MY CONFESSION

(Although it may sound like senti stuff again, and many may find this crap, stil I'm not gonna call it "senti-crap"...Not just because the term is a trademark of someone much more important and revered but also because it is important to me that I say what I have)

It's been three days since I read the post preceding this, and have been wondering ever since what to comment, or react. Because simply said I'm touched, moved and ashamed of myself.When I first read the post, I was pretty surprised to find my name appear in the second paragraph. Not just because I have been referred to as "Taru" instead of "kiddo"(which I'm more used to by now) but also because it was Kanu's post(blame my bad habit of checking out the post's author before reading it up)...

And even more surprising has been the post itself, NOT because of its content, but because of the fact it's there. Yeah,I'm not surprised with the "confession" part, and the reason for the same is the bigger confession I'm about to make. You know Kanu, even before I first posted in TLTE, I'd read up the posts a no. of times(as I guess I've said in a previous post), but was never sure whether I should post ever.I'd always seen her and Ted all over on the India community, and somehow was really really in awe of them both. Slowly, Ted has outgrown that initial awe, but as far as she are concerned I always was ( I am) amazed by her.

So much that conciously or subconciously,I've always tried to become like her I guess. In everything. It always bewilders me how can someone be so nice, so loving and so loved. The warmth that I've seen her share with people like QT, Ted, Saras, Raja, Ritz etc. It always makes me wonder how it would be to be showered with her niceness...and I thought I'd never be able to know. Not because she wasn't nice to me during the brief interactions when we met, but because I just felt I don't deserve it. I wanted to be like her, when she wasn't there. Something like her deputy, though nobody can ever replace her. But somehow, when she was there, I felt aloof. Maybe the "vibe" thing. Maybe just the fact that I thought it's not my "duty-time" curently.

So many times I've refrained from posting, or simply left when Kanu was there at TLTE. and then, read up all her posts later.so it's not surprising we both havent met too much at TLTE, inspite of being regulars. No ill feelings anywhere, just that I never felt I was required when she was there, esp. by her. That's why I was a little surprised at the mention that Kanu and Ted have ever discussed me.
When I think back, I realize I've been so foolish. And how bad I must have made her feel. She had refused to be mentor, but somehow I've always looked upon her as a guide.That's why when she left, I was stirred. Personally I felt orphaned. And there was the mass outrage that had been spurred and some of the reactions surprised me. The way everyone was so desperate and guilty, the way they wanted her back, the way evryone left immediately, i just shook me.

When I read her mail, i could almost feel pain emitting from my computer screen. That's when I decided I'd write to her. I was almost convinced it wasn't gonna make a difference to her, but I still had to tr, and I did. She replied, and I was so touched. Still I couldn' return atleast till everyone else who'd left did. Somehow I felt guilty and responsible, and though i still can't explain why, I felt really ashamed then(even though I wasnt involved).
I really am a dumb kid, and especially when it comes to her, I act only foolish and stupid. I still dunno why. all i know is that I've been really stupid all the while, and it's natural for hr to think what she did. It's only proof of her niceness to be so friendly to still, and write this post now. So Kanu, don't call me sweet. It's an adjective that only befits someone like you, not me. There's only one Kanu, and will always be. A thousand kiddos dont come near her.

I'm SORRY!